Love and such

I've officially lost my mind. I saught out Kolten's dad and he's divorced now. He has custody of both his kids and he's my personal trainer at the gym. I of course have not told him about Kolten, he asked me if the dad was involved and I said no. I told him I never told the guy, just seemed right at the time. He smiled and said he wished he had never told Kelsey and we laughed. His boy's look just like Kolten! It's almost like we were the parents of all three of them.

They all have the same hair color, skin tone, blue eyes and tall build. I've been dreaming lately of telling him, the whole truth. In my head I beg him to understand and we live happily ever after, us and our three children. In reality things would go significantly different. He would probably call me a bitch for hiding from him, he might tell me to get out of his life forever, he could even fight me for custody.

I remember the taste of him, the warmth of his skin and it's all I think about when he's training me. I'm doing the repetitions he asks of me and dreaming of what used to be and what I wish could be again. I'm having an inner struggle, to tell or not to tell. Am I doing this for the right reason's, have I lost sight of the most important thing here...my son!

Is Kolten's best interest at heart in every decision I'm making here?

He's a different man now, no drugs, no women, he's a Christian too. His life is that of the future man I wish to marry...I'm lost and confused and I do not want Kolten to suffer because of my lack of judgement....

Lies and Cries

My relationship with my dad has always been rocky....as in one day we speak and are in a loving normal relationship and the next minute it's been 2 years since we've spoken and I live happily with the notion of "If he died tomorrow I'd be okay" My dad was never a normal father. He was never there for softball games or poetry proofreadings. My dad was the brunt of many poorly written hate letters. My dad was reliable in the "get beer for minors" department or the "teach you to roll a solid joint" club.

My dad loved to party and be the cool dad way more than he loved to be someone who could be respected and trusted. It's now been exactly one year since I've seen or spoken to my father. On March 2, 2010 my dad, in lesser words than this, told me "he regretted nothing and lives with everything" looking back now, it was sort of profound. My dad had accepted his past transgressions and has happily moved on.
He's accepted the loss of seven years of our lives, due to a prison term for drugs and robbery, he's accepted the 13+ years of drug use, he's accepted the fights and punches, my dad has accepted that every promise he made over 20 or more years of my life was basically a bust. I'm happy for him, I'm glad he is remarried. I've accepted as well, that the past is the past.

I can not however accept that there will never be an apology for what amounts to my lack of a childhood. I can't accept all the lost years on selfish behavior and broken promise's of sobriety. To say my father is a weak man, would be a misjudgment. However, to say my father will never be a man I'd respect and honor would probably be more accurate. I can not see passed the past. I can't ignore the little girl, holding her baby brother while mom cleans up broken pipes off the kitchen floor and her dad sits on the roof hunting for spies. I laughed just now, but it's the truth. I can't ignore all the fucked up memories I have and just say "oh well".

So instead, I cut you out. I've banned you from my son's life and in doing so feel like I'm giving you a taste of your own medicine. Everytime you reach out to Kolten I push you back further in hopes that you get kicked in the gut every time. It's done subconciensly I assure you, it wasn't until a psychotherapist friend analyzed my situation monthes ago that I realized what I was doing. I try to protect Kolten from ever having a memory as wonderful as all of mine. The drinking, the fights, the drugs, the police, God forbid he ever be with you and you make one of your infamously adult decisions. I surely would never forgive you.

This last year, was almost eye opening. I don't miss you. I don't miss the drama, the stories, the fights, the guilt trips over just moving on. I've relished in the fact that I can hate you as much or as little as I want to and no one can ask me to do differently. I'll admit when my brother goes over to your new house and plays poker with you and all your biker buddies and your new wife host's house parties for the neighborhood, I get jealous. I wish I was like Tyler, easily forgiving and wearing my blinders into every situation. You asked why I couldn't be more like Tyler and just forget the past.

The answer to your question is because he doesn't remember half of the shit we endured. He was too young, first of all and second I was the nine year old shielding him the other half of the time. I would lock us in a different bedroom with the TV turned up loud and reading him stories or playing board games with him to distract him from the fights and ridiculousness. So I appologize I can't be more like your loving son, I actually saw what a wonderful father you were, he just heard!