**When I had my son, I was panicked. I loved children, but never intended to have any of my own, at least not at twenty and alone. He was so tiny and warm, with a full head of dark brown hair and giant ocean's for eyes. Our first night as a couple he slept soundly wrapped on my chest while I cried into his dark, sweet hair. I wept for our future together and for what could potentially be the biggest mistake of his life, choosing me as his mother. **
*His father and I were always on and off, for over six years he was the one guy I returned too. I had a wayward approach to sex, but Manny was the one guy who loved me despite my open legs or broken past. He was my first boyfriend in the 7th grade and stayed a fixture in my life despite breakups and moving on's. We always ended up back together, him and I were meant to be together. That is until he told me about another girl, one that didn't leave every six weeks and who wanted to marry him. We weren't kids anymore we were 19 and graduated and living in our own place's. On another typical night we ended up together only this time it was different, at the end he said I needed to leave and not in the morning. I never called him back, but eight weeks later I was still missing my heart and my period. We had unprotected sex from the time we were fifteen until that very last night and never once even had a scare.*
**I swear he is the prettiest baby I've ever seen, every person who sees him says the exact same thing. He sleeps soundly and only cries on occasion. Once home Kolten and I bond over midnight feedings and me singing him to sleep 24 hours a day. I pray over him to be better than I was. I whisper all my hopes for his life into his tiny perfect ears. I tell him hourly how wonderful he is, how wonderful he is going to be.**
*I ran into Kelsey, the other woman, at a store downtown, she was obviously pregnant and I obviously had a baby in my Moby wrap. She and I knew one another but had never spoken, our meeting that cold afternoon was no different. We glanced awkwardly at one another and separated from each other before either of us mustered courage to state the obvious.*
**It's been three years since I brought your beautiful soul into this world. You are as wonderful and handsome today as you were the night we met. I still whisper to you while you sleep and I still pray that you forgive me for not seeking him out to be a part of your life. I write you letters when my heart feels heavy with guilt or full of joy for your life. I hope that one day they are enough words for you to forgive me, because you're the greatest thing I've ever done....***