I've officially lost my mind. I saught out Kolten's dad and he's divorced now. He has custody of both his kids and he's my personal trainer at the gym. I of course have not told him about Kolten, he asked me if the dad was involved and I said no. I told him I never told the guy, just seemed right at the time. He smiled and said he wished he had never told Kelsey and we laughed. His boy's look just like Kolten! It's almost like we were the parents of all three of them.
They all have the same hair color, skin tone, blue eyes and tall build. I've been dreaming lately of telling him, the whole truth. In my head I beg him to understand and we live happily ever after, us and our three children. In reality things would go significantly different. He would probably call me a bitch for hiding from him, he might tell me to get out of his life forever, he could even fight me for custody.
I remember the taste of him, the warmth of his skin and it's all I think about when he's training me. I'm doing the repetitions he asks of me and dreaming of what used to be and what I wish could be again. I'm having an inner struggle, to tell or not to tell. Am I doing this for the right reason's, have I lost sight of the most important thing here...my son!
Is Kolten's best interest at heart in every decision I'm making here?
He's a different man now, no drugs, no women, he's a Christian too. His life is that of the future man I wish to marry...I'm lost and confused and I do not want Kolten to suffer because of my lack of judgement....
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Lies and Cries
My relationship with my dad has always been rocky....as in one day we speak and are in a loving normal relationship and the next minute it's been 2 years since we've spoken and I live happily with the notion of "If he died tomorrow I'd be okay" My dad was never a normal father. He was never there for softball games or poetry proofreadings. My dad was the brunt of many poorly written hate letters. My dad was reliable in the "get beer for minors" department or the "teach you to roll a solid joint" club.
My dad loved to party and be the cool dad way more than he loved to be someone who could be respected and trusted. It's now been exactly one year since I've seen or spoken to my father. On March 2, 2010 my dad, in lesser words than this, told me "he regretted nothing and lives with everything" looking back now, it was sort of profound. My dad had accepted his past transgressions and has happily moved on.
He's accepted the loss of seven years of our lives, due to a prison term for drugs and robbery, he's accepted the 13+ years of drug use, he's accepted the fights and punches, my dad has accepted that every promise he made over 20 or more years of my life was basically a bust. I'm happy for him, I'm glad he is remarried. I've accepted as well, that the past is the past.
I can not however accept that there will never be an apology for what amounts to my lack of a childhood. I can't accept all the lost years on selfish behavior and broken promise's of sobriety. To say my father is a weak man, would be a misjudgment. However, to say my father will never be a man I'd respect and honor would probably be more accurate. I can not see passed the past. I can't ignore the little girl, holding her baby brother while mom cleans up broken pipes off the kitchen floor and her dad sits on the roof hunting for spies. I laughed just now, but it's the truth. I can't ignore all the fucked up memories I have and just say "oh well".
So instead, I cut you out. I've banned you from my son's life and in doing so feel like I'm giving you a taste of your own medicine. Everytime you reach out to Kolten I push you back further in hopes that you get kicked in the gut every time. It's done subconciensly I assure you, it wasn't until a psychotherapist friend analyzed my situation monthes ago that I realized what I was doing. I try to protect Kolten from ever having a memory as wonderful as all of mine. The drinking, the fights, the drugs, the police, God forbid he ever be with you and you make one of your infamously adult decisions. I surely would never forgive you.
This last year, was almost eye opening. I don't miss you. I don't miss the drama, the stories, the fights, the guilt trips over just moving on. I've relished in the fact that I can hate you as much or as little as I want to and no one can ask me to do differently. I'll admit when my brother goes over to your new house and plays poker with you and all your biker buddies and your new wife host's house parties for the neighborhood, I get jealous. I wish I was like Tyler, easily forgiving and wearing my blinders into every situation. You asked why I couldn't be more like Tyler and just forget the past.
The answer to your question is because he doesn't remember half of the shit we endured. He was too young, first of all and second I was the nine year old shielding him the other half of the time. I would lock us in a different bedroom with the TV turned up loud and reading him stories or playing board games with him to distract him from the fights and ridiculousness. So I appologize I can't be more like your loving son, I actually saw what a wonderful father you were, he just heard!
My dad loved to party and be the cool dad way more than he loved to be someone who could be respected and trusted. It's now been exactly one year since I've seen or spoken to my father. On March 2, 2010 my dad, in lesser words than this, told me "he regretted nothing and lives with everything" looking back now, it was sort of profound. My dad had accepted his past transgressions and has happily moved on.
He's accepted the loss of seven years of our lives, due to a prison term for drugs and robbery, he's accepted the 13+ years of drug use, he's accepted the fights and punches, my dad has accepted that every promise he made over 20 or more years of my life was basically a bust. I'm happy for him, I'm glad he is remarried. I've accepted as well, that the past is the past.
I can not however accept that there will never be an apology for what amounts to my lack of a childhood. I can't accept all the lost years on selfish behavior and broken promise's of sobriety. To say my father is a weak man, would be a misjudgment. However, to say my father will never be a man I'd respect and honor would probably be more accurate. I can not see passed the past. I can't ignore the little girl, holding her baby brother while mom cleans up broken pipes off the kitchen floor and her dad sits on the roof hunting for spies. I laughed just now, but it's the truth. I can't ignore all the fucked up memories I have and just say "oh well".
So instead, I cut you out. I've banned you from my son's life and in doing so feel like I'm giving you a taste of your own medicine. Everytime you reach out to Kolten I push you back further in hopes that you get kicked in the gut every time. It's done subconciensly I assure you, it wasn't until a psychotherapist friend analyzed my situation monthes ago that I realized what I was doing. I try to protect Kolten from ever having a memory as wonderful as all of mine. The drinking, the fights, the drugs, the police, God forbid he ever be with you and you make one of your infamously adult decisions. I surely would never forgive you.
This last year, was almost eye opening. I don't miss you. I don't miss the drama, the stories, the fights, the guilt trips over just moving on. I've relished in the fact that I can hate you as much or as little as I want to and no one can ask me to do differently. I'll admit when my brother goes over to your new house and plays poker with you and all your biker buddies and your new wife host's house parties for the neighborhood, I get jealous. I wish I was like Tyler, easily forgiving and wearing my blinders into every situation. You asked why I couldn't be more like Tyler and just forget the past.
The answer to your question is because he doesn't remember half of the shit we endured. He was too young, first of all and second I was the nine year old shielding him the other half of the time. I would lock us in a different bedroom with the TV turned up loud and reading him stories or playing board games with him to distract him from the fights and ridiculousness. So I appologize I can't be more like your loving son, I actually saw what a wonderful father you were, he just heard!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Temporary
The phone rang, jolting me from a deep sleep. It was 5:30 in the morning and I was 2,000 miles from home, on vacation with Kolten and my mom in Indiana. Your brother's voice was tired and quiet, I knew right away it was you. The last time we spoke, I told you I didn't want a family with you. The drugs that had controlled your life before, had taken grip on you again and I couldn't be a part of it. I was a mother now and it had to be different for Kolten. You promised me you were straightening out your life, all you needed was a couple of weeks to get your shit together... Travis said you had been shot 13 times in the face and chest, you were sitting in the drivers seat. You didn't even have a fucking license....
I remember when we met, you were a blind date. You picked me up for my lunch break and we went to Applebee's across Grand. At lunch I watched you fidget in your seat and I thought you were the most boring guy I had ever met. Your hair was a hot mess and I didn't mind telling you I thought so. At the end of the date you told me I was beautiful. It was the first meaningful sentence you had said in an entire hour. I thanked you, lit a cigarette because I heard you hated smokers and offered to walk myself back to work. You said you'd wait for me to finish and take me back. Once back at work I told everyone what a dud you were, never saying more than 2 words at a time and not even trying for small talk. My co-workers and I laughed about me lighting a cigarette in your face and I thought I'd never hear from you again.
I never thought twice about you until two years later. I was working in a hospital laboratory and had met this really cool guy. I had a small crush on him and upon further conversation found out he had a brother named Justin. I told him I knew a Justin Spencer, wonder if it was the same guy. Travis told me about how after our blind date you got into some trouble with the law. Petty crap that landed you on probation until you assaulted your little brother and he pressed charges. You were doing 4 years in prison with chance of parole in 2 years.
Your brother and I became good friends, going out to the bar together after work and weekends, until I ended up pregnant. After I had Kolten, your brother delivered a letter from you congratulating me. After that we talked often, always about you coming home and doing over our first date. We were going to be together and be a family because I needed a good man and Kolten needed a good father. Your dad died when you guys were so young, all you wanted was to be a father.
I remember 3 nights before you were set to be released, Travis and I went out for drinks. We talked about our fears for both of us. Me not wanting to be broken hearted if things didn't work out, Travis scared you would wind up back in prison. We drank until the wee hours of the morning, crying in the parking lot over how surreal it was that you were going to finally be home, we were all finally getting second chance's together.
You went straight to a half way house when you came home. I loved sneaking you out late at night, kissing you and holding you close. Prison turned you into a tattooed and muscular hottie, I loved being seen with you. I loved that you wanted to be together and that you wanted to be a family. We talked about buying a house after you were clean for at lest a year. I demanded that you stay clean for a year before you could meet Kolten. You had to show me things would be different in your life. The night we had sex, I cried because I was scared to be falling in love with someone so like my father.
Fuck, Justin, I could kick you in your face right now! No one even knew we were getting serious, when your brother called me I froze! I was so shocked it felt like someone broke my back. I couldn't stand or sit, I collapsed on the frozen ground 2,000 miles away from you! How did this even happen? You were clean and in sober living and you had a job and a car.....Travis cried, you were more than his big brother, you were like his dad. You were the closest thing to a dad he had for 19 years.
I can't believe how god damn selfish you are! Leaving all of us, here and broken! You promised me I wouldn't raise Kolten alone, you were going to adopt him when he turned 5 because that was a good age for him to decide if he wanted you to be his dad. Justin you promised me that life was more than a broken world, you told me you were on the straight and narrow, no bull shit, no games. People don't get shot and killed at 2 o'clock in the morning in downtown Phoenix selling Bible's. What were you doing there? Travis said they caught the drug dealer who shot you up, you were sleeping with his girl, picking up drugs.
How dare you leave me like this, I wish we had never talked again, I wish you weren't a fucking liar! You promised on us, you swore things would be different for us. Drugs were never that big for you, you just always got caught, don't you remember saying those words? I do!! I wish I had never had sex with you, I wish I could take back every secret I whispered to you, every promise you made me, every breath we breathed in sync. I can't even wrap my brain around this.
Your funeral was so miserable, everyone from Travis and I's work showed up for support. No one had a clue the secrets that were reeling in my head, my heart! Travis begged your mom to not let people put dirt on your casket. Your poor mother, she lost her husband and her oldest son, Justin did you have any idea what you would do to everyone if you died? The Arizona sun was hot for October and I wore my sunglasses to hide my hysterical eyes from everyone, I had wrapped around my pinkie finger the ring you made me out of wire and paper in prison. You said it was temporary....
I remember when we met, you were a blind date. You picked me up for my lunch break and we went to Applebee's across Grand. At lunch I watched you fidget in your seat and I thought you were the most boring guy I had ever met. Your hair was a hot mess and I didn't mind telling you I thought so. At the end of the date you told me I was beautiful. It was the first meaningful sentence you had said in an entire hour. I thanked you, lit a cigarette because I heard you hated smokers and offered to walk myself back to work. You said you'd wait for me to finish and take me back. Once back at work I told everyone what a dud you were, never saying more than 2 words at a time and not even trying for small talk. My co-workers and I laughed about me lighting a cigarette in your face and I thought I'd never hear from you again.
I never thought twice about you until two years later. I was working in a hospital laboratory and had met this really cool guy. I had a small crush on him and upon further conversation found out he had a brother named Justin. I told him I knew a Justin Spencer, wonder if it was the same guy. Travis told me about how after our blind date you got into some trouble with the law. Petty crap that landed you on probation until you assaulted your little brother and he pressed charges. You were doing 4 years in prison with chance of parole in 2 years.
Your brother and I became good friends, going out to the bar together after work and weekends, until I ended up pregnant. After I had Kolten, your brother delivered a letter from you congratulating me. After that we talked often, always about you coming home and doing over our first date. We were going to be together and be a family because I needed a good man and Kolten needed a good father. Your dad died when you guys were so young, all you wanted was to be a father.
I remember 3 nights before you were set to be released, Travis and I went out for drinks. We talked about our fears for both of us. Me not wanting to be broken hearted if things didn't work out, Travis scared you would wind up back in prison. We drank until the wee hours of the morning, crying in the parking lot over how surreal it was that you were going to finally be home, we were all finally getting second chance's together.
You went straight to a half way house when you came home. I loved sneaking you out late at night, kissing you and holding you close. Prison turned you into a tattooed and muscular hottie, I loved being seen with you. I loved that you wanted to be together and that you wanted to be a family. We talked about buying a house after you were clean for at lest a year. I demanded that you stay clean for a year before you could meet Kolten. You had to show me things would be different in your life. The night we had sex, I cried because I was scared to be falling in love with someone so like my father.
Fuck, Justin, I could kick you in your face right now! No one even knew we were getting serious, when your brother called me I froze! I was so shocked it felt like someone broke my back. I couldn't stand or sit, I collapsed on the frozen ground 2,000 miles away from you! How did this even happen? You were clean and in sober living and you had a job and a car.....Travis cried, you were more than his big brother, you were like his dad. You were the closest thing to a dad he had for 19 years.
I can't believe how god damn selfish you are! Leaving all of us, here and broken! You promised me I wouldn't raise Kolten alone, you were going to adopt him when he turned 5 because that was a good age for him to decide if he wanted you to be his dad. Justin you promised me that life was more than a broken world, you told me you were on the straight and narrow, no bull shit, no games. People don't get shot and killed at 2 o'clock in the morning in downtown Phoenix selling Bible's. What were you doing there? Travis said they caught the drug dealer who shot you up, you were sleeping with his girl, picking up drugs.
How dare you leave me like this, I wish we had never talked again, I wish you weren't a fucking liar! You promised on us, you swore things would be different for us. Drugs were never that big for you, you just always got caught, don't you remember saying those words? I do!! I wish I had never had sex with you, I wish I could take back every secret I whispered to you, every promise you made me, every breath we breathed in sync. I can't even wrap my brain around this.
Tantrums and toddlers
We've all seen it happen, that bratty kid in line at the store, who is getting louder by the minute. The mom seems oblivious, ignoring her louder than life munchkin, which only makes them get louder. Confession time...today, I was that mother! My son, he's full of life, always busy with questions or comments. If someone sneezes three aisle's over, he yells out "Bless you man!" people around me laugh, he eats it up and I brush it off as just my boy.
Today though, Kolten was not just my sweet and polite kid. He was the biggest nightmare child I had ever seen! If he was someone else's kid, I would have starred uncontrollably, making smart ass comments in my head. Today, I felt the horror of being THAT mom. I had returns to make before my receipts ran out of time. I had 13 items exactly that needed to be returned to Wal-Mart, four total receipts. My cashier at customer service, obviously loved her job and started in the second I hit her counter. "Isn't holiday return season over YET?!", "NO, it's not, lucky for both of us!" She didn't seem amused by me and I wasn't too fond of her either.
Kolten was into his usual climbing in and out of the cart, asking 500 questions, pointing obvious things out to complete strangers, "You have a blue shirt with McDonald's ketchup on it." I kept trying to quiet him, while dealing with my ever pleasant return associate. At some point, things took a turn for the worst. I'm not sure when it happened, but all of a sudden, I couldn't get Kolten to be quiet. I couldn't even get him to look me in the eye, he was all over the place like a wild cat in a carry cage.
I grabbed a hold of him and held on for dear life. Kolten began kicking me, screaming bloody murder, he wanted to go home and now! I looked at the cashier pleadingly to hurry along with my returns only to realize she too was watching the side show in front of her. I asked her to move it along, which only prompted her to laugh and move slower. I was getting hot, my ears felt like they were on fire and my shirt was soaked from Kolten's screaming, wide open mouth. I couldn't hit him, there were too many witness's, if I yelled Kolten would flip more. So, I stood silent, holding on to 40 pounds of dead weight, praying his tantrum would end if I just ignored it.
Twelve minutes and twenty-six seconds later, I lost it. I snatched my receipt out of the woman's hand scooped all my returns, with one arm, into the cart. I turned on my heels to realize there was a line ten people deep boiling holes into the back of my skull. My face was so red I thought it was going to blow off, Kolten was so hysterical he was hyperventilating between screams. I raced into the front restrooms where I plopped Kolten into the basket part of my cart. I stepped away from him and just starred blankly, wondering who's kid I had in my cart. As my son's screams grew louder, he began to beg me to "GET ME OUT OF THIS BATHROOM!!!!" I couldn't touch him, I knew if I touched him I would snap! I was going to end up on the five o'clock news.
People began to poke their heads into the bathroom to see what I was doing to my son, only to realize I wasn't touching him, I wasn't even touching the cart! He bucked and thrashed in the basket like a wild bull, I slowly and quietly said to him, "Calm yourself down and we will leave the bathroom." With my advice Kolten grew more ballistic, screaming louder, all the while I kept repeating the same thing. I think I was saying it more for myself than for him, I knew I could not touch him, lest I flip the fuck out. We stood in that bathroom for nine entire minutes before Kolten STOPPED cold turkey, dry eyed just stopped.
We washed his face off in the sink, he went pee in the toilet, washed his hands and we walked out hand in hand like nothing had even happened. A manager stopped me on my quick shuffle out the door to say she would have bet I was beating the hell out of him in there. When she looked, she was shocked to see me calmly standing by. I smiled and walked away without a single word. Self control is the craziest idea I've ever heard, but today, it worked. Today, I was that mother, but I did not give in to my urge to boot my child across Wal-Mart. I was proud to be a mother today!
Today though, Kolten was not just my sweet and polite kid. He was the biggest nightmare child I had ever seen! If he was someone else's kid, I would have starred uncontrollably, making smart ass comments in my head. Today, I felt the horror of being THAT mom. I had returns to make before my receipts ran out of time. I had 13 items exactly that needed to be returned to Wal-Mart, four total receipts. My cashier at customer service, obviously loved her job and started in the second I hit her counter. "Isn't holiday return season over YET?!", "NO, it's not, lucky for both of us!" She didn't seem amused by me and I wasn't too fond of her either.
Kolten was into his usual climbing in and out of the cart, asking 500 questions, pointing obvious things out to complete strangers, "You have a blue shirt with McDonald's ketchup on it." I kept trying to quiet him, while dealing with my ever pleasant return associate. At some point, things took a turn for the worst. I'm not sure when it happened, but all of a sudden, I couldn't get Kolten to be quiet. I couldn't even get him to look me in the eye, he was all over the place like a wild cat in a carry cage.
I grabbed a hold of him and held on for dear life. Kolten began kicking me, screaming bloody murder, he wanted to go home and now! I looked at the cashier pleadingly to hurry along with my returns only to realize she too was watching the side show in front of her. I asked her to move it along, which only prompted her to laugh and move slower. I was getting hot, my ears felt like they were on fire and my shirt was soaked from Kolten's screaming, wide open mouth. I couldn't hit him, there were too many witness's, if I yelled Kolten would flip more. So, I stood silent, holding on to 40 pounds of dead weight, praying his tantrum would end if I just ignored it.
Twelve minutes and twenty-six seconds later, I lost it. I snatched my receipt out of the woman's hand scooped all my returns, with one arm, into the cart. I turned on my heels to realize there was a line ten people deep boiling holes into the back of my skull. My face was so red I thought it was going to blow off, Kolten was so hysterical he was hyperventilating between screams. I raced into the front restrooms where I plopped Kolten into the basket part of my cart. I stepped away from him and just starred blankly, wondering who's kid I had in my cart. As my son's screams grew louder, he began to beg me to "GET ME OUT OF THIS BATHROOM!!!!" I couldn't touch him, I knew if I touched him I would snap! I was going to end up on the five o'clock news.
People began to poke their heads into the bathroom to see what I was doing to my son, only to realize I wasn't touching him, I wasn't even touching the cart! He bucked and thrashed in the basket like a wild bull, I slowly and quietly said to him, "Calm yourself down and we will leave the bathroom." With my advice Kolten grew more ballistic, screaming louder, all the while I kept repeating the same thing. I think I was saying it more for myself than for him, I knew I could not touch him, lest I flip the fuck out. We stood in that bathroom for nine entire minutes before Kolten STOPPED cold turkey, dry eyed just stopped.
We washed his face off in the sink, he went pee in the toilet, washed his hands and we walked out hand in hand like nothing had even happened. A manager stopped me on my quick shuffle out the door to say she would have bet I was beating the hell out of him in there. When she looked, she was shocked to see me calmly standing by. I smiled and walked away without a single word. Self control is the craziest idea I've ever heard, but today, it worked. Today, I was that mother, but I did not give in to my urge to boot my child across Wal-Mart. I was proud to be a mother today!
Monday, January 31, 2011
Californication
My senior year of high school, I had a short term boyfriend I had met through some church friends. He told me God planned for us to marry. I thought he was belligerently nuts, I told him so that very night on the lake side. His name is fleeting to me at this very second, but he was sweet, funny, below my usual physical standard but willing to give me things I wanted at that moment in my life. He proposed on my birthday, in a church congregation of over 200 people. I accepted on stage to a thunderous applause and prying eyes. You see, I worked in this church, part time. I partied full time and played with kids in a church part time. Everyone there knew who I was and what I was about and yet I kept my job. CATON! over looked my "past" however. Caton, had no clue my past was still sometimes very much my present. My ring was beautiful and I wore it everywhere, I wore it with pride! I was marrying the future youth pastor of the biggest church in the far west valley. I was finally going to get my ever after, except my conscience gave in and I could not put a sweet, Christian man through my antics. I ended our engagement on a whim. I wanted to have sex and he didn't, he wanted to wait and I didn't.
I used this difference of opinion to end my lucky strike. The night I ended our engagement I threw my ring in his face and told him to fuck off. I got in my car, drove to the bank withdrew my whole account and took off to California! I called a girlfriend back in town to make me some hotel reservations online so I'd have somewhere to lay my head once I arrived 500 miles from home. I slept in a skanky dive my first night in Cali. I only slept two or three hours before I woke up and headed to the beach. I spent 8 days laying on the shore from morning till night. I watched my first sunset on the sea and met a Marine who spent 8 days in my hotel with me like we were an old married couple. He was on a two week vacation and didn't want to go home to Arkansas so we stayed together.
I meet some of the most random people in the most random places and they have always made for my greatest memories. His name was Chris and he was a MARINE! the amphibious kind, tall, dark, muscular and a little warped. He taught me to surf, played me guitar around a fire every night and we ate Panda Express for lunch everyday. I couldn't believe my luck, finding someone as great as him in a random city, without knowing a single soul. I think Chris was put there at that exact moment to keep me from going home and begging Caton for forgiveness. Chris had no idea the morning I up and left him in the hotel without so much as a phone number exchange, but he saved my life...he saved me from settling. I thank him in my dreams when I see him.
Sleep Soundly
**When I had my son, I was panicked. I loved children, but never intended to have any of my own, at least not at twenty and alone. He was so tiny and warm, with a full head of dark brown hair and giant ocean's for eyes. Our first night as a couple he slept soundly wrapped on my chest while I cried into his dark, sweet hair. I wept for our future together and for what could potentially be the biggest mistake of his life, choosing me as his mother. **
*His father and I were always on and off, for over six years he was the one guy I returned too. I had a wayward approach to sex, but Manny was the one guy who loved me despite my open legs or broken past. He was my first boyfriend in the 7th grade and stayed a fixture in my life despite breakups and moving on's. We always ended up back together, him and I were meant to be together. That is until he told me about another girl, one that didn't leave every six weeks and who wanted to marry him. We weren't kids anymore we were 19 and graduated and living in our own place's. On another typical night we ended up together only this time it was different, at the end he said I needed to leave and not in the morning. I never called him back, but eight weeks later I was still missing my heart and my period. We had unprotected sex from the time we were fifteen until that very last night and never once even had a scare.*
**I swear he is the prettiest baby I've ever seen, every person who sees him says the exact same thing. He sleeps soundly and only cries on occasion. Once home Kolten and I bond over midnight feedings and me singing him to sleep 24 hours a day. I pray over him to be better than I was. I whisper all my hopes for his life into his tiny perfect ears. I tell him hourly how wonderful he is, how wonderful he is going to be.**
*I ran into Kelsey, the other woman, at a store downtown, she was obviously pregnant and I obviously had a baby in my Moby wrap. She and I knew one another but had never spoken, our meeting that cold afternoon was no different. We glanced awkwardly at one another and separated from each other before either of us mustered courage to state the obvious.*
**It's been three years since I brought your beautiful soul into this world. You are as wonderful and handsome today as you were the night we met. I still whisper to you while you sleep and I still pray that you forgive me for not seeking him out to be a part of your life. I write you letters when my heart feels heavy with guilt or full of joy for your life. I hope that one day they are enough words for you to forgive me, because you're the greatest thing I've ever done....***
*His father and I were always on and off, for over six years he was the one guy I returned too. I had a wayward approach to sex, but Manny was the one guy who loved me despite my open legs or broken past. He was my first boyfriend in the 7th grade and stayed a fixture in my life despite breakups and moving on's. We always ended up back together, him and I were meant to be together. That is until he told me about another girl, one that didn't leave every six weeks and who wanted to marry him. We weren't kids anymore we were 19 and graduated and living in our own place's. On another typical night we ended up together only this time it was different, at the end he said I needed to leave and not in the morning. I never called him back, but eight weeks later I was still missing my heart and my period. We had unprotected sex from the time we were fifteen until that very last night and never once even had a scare.*
**I swear he is the prettiest baby I've ever seen, every person who sees him says the exact same thing. He sleeps soundly and only cries on occasion. Once home Kolten and I bond over midnight feedings and me singing him to sleep 24 hours a day. I pray over him to be better than I was. I whisper all my hopes for his life into his tiny perfect ears. I tell him hourly how wonderful he is, how wonderful he is going to be.**
*I ran into Kelsey, the other woman, at a store downtown, she was obviously pregnant and I obviously had a baby in my Moby wrap. She and I knew one another but had never spoken, our meeting that cold afternoon was no different. We glanced awkwardly at one another and separated from each other before either of us mustered courage to state the obvious.*
**It's been three years since I brought your beautiful soul into this world. You are as wonderful and handsome today as you were the night we met. I still whisper to you while you sleep and I still pray that you forgive me for not seeking him out to be a part of your life. I write you letters when my heart feels heavy with guilt or full of joy for your life. I hope that one day they are enough words for you to forgive me, because you're the greatest thing I've ever done....***
Where I fell
When I was 13 years old, I thought I could do anything with little to no consequence. I had a single mother and an imprisoned father and run of our two bedroom apartment most nights of the week. My mom worked double shifts at the hospital in order to sustain mine and my brothers lives. I found out very early that a good way to get attention from boys was to pretend you were experienced in sex and making out and so forth. I hung out with a group of boys, I was not fond of female friends, they all came from single mom homes and were the men of their houses. They came and went as they pleased and luckily for me, my mom wasn't around to notice I did as well. When the guys got together to drink behind the garbage cans, I was right there throwing back beers like an expert drinker. I could hold my own with guys from anywhere. I became a circus freak, step up and pay a quarter to watch this 100lb girl drink Vodka straight from the bottle! I enjoyed the attention and I enjoyed the company. I loved to feel like I was loved and protected by these guys.
When I was 14 and in the eighth grade me and "my boys" went to a high school party, a regular weekend event for the seven of us. I immediately started drinking far more than normal, I was smoking pot like Bob Marley and cracking my regular sarcastic jokes. A guy whom I had never met offered to take me to the gas station to fill up on smokes, being 14 and "experienced" I went along for the ride. We ended up at a Safeway with me finding a random adult male to makeout with in exchange for a bottle of Jose' Cuervo. The first one to take the bait also footed the bill when I offered him a ride back to a high school party. I was manipluative, young and cute. A horrid combination in most cases, but especially in this one. I remember praying that after I chugged back for the third time that I wouldn't throw up in the high school guy's van. We rounded the corner to the party on two wheels. At some point we had lost the random guy from the parking lot and my new high school friend and I made our way into the party. I smoked in the kitchen and sipped a beer while talking to a few of my guys, they were ready to leave and pretty pissed I had disappeared with some strange asshole. I became defensive of this stranger and told them to all fuck off and stop worrying about me like their kid.
At some point after our elementary blow up, I found myself in a back bedroom with my getaway driver. We sat cross legged on the floor passing my reward of Jose' back and forth. After what felt like an eternity, I began to pass out. In and out of concience I crept, heaving the Cuervo back up faster than it went down, choking and gagging on a dick. I had never done anything more than make out and fiddle with first base and suddenly this stranger had his dick in my mouth. I bobbed back into oblivion, crying at what I knew was inevitable, blacked out I was a freebie for the guy who stuck around long enough to wait for me to pass out. I felt the jeering of my body against his while I burned in pain, throwing up on every thrust. I felt the blood trickle down my legs, burning and aching and blacking out again.
I woke up the next day on the front lawn of some strangers house, alone, in a strangers pants and my own too tight top. I burned in pain and ached from my head to my feet. I had dried vomit in my hair and blood all over my face from an assuming punch I had taken the night before. Written on my hand was, "you took it like a whore" in permanent marker. I cried and panicked and begged God it was not true, my half assed memories and my painful swagger. I knew it was real, the taste in my mouth, the pain in my crotch, the lawn, the pants that were not mine. I woke on that lawn a different person and it was not for the better.
I spent the next eight years reliving that night with every man I could get hard. I was hell bent and determined to sleep with every man I wanted, on my terms, because you can not rape the willing. I would abuse myself on my terms and I took full advantage of the opportunity.
When I was 14 and in the eighth grade me and "my boys" went to a high school party, a regular weekend event for the seven of us. I immediately started drinking far more than normal, I was smoking pot like Bob Marley and cracking my regular sarcastic jokes. A guy whom I had never met offered to take me to the gas station to fill up on smokes, being 14 and "experienced" I went along for the ride. We ended up at a Safeway with me finding a random adult male to makeout with in exchange for a bottle of Jose' Cuervo. The first one to take the bait also footed the bill when I offered him a ride back to a high school party. I was manipluative, young and cute. A horrid combination in most cases, but especially in this one. I remember praying that after I chugged back for the third time that I wouldn't throw up in the high school guy's van. We rounded the corner to the party on two wheels. At some point we had lost the random guy from the parking lot and my new high school friend and I made our way into the party. I smoked in the kitchen and sipped a beer while talking to a few of my guys, they were ready to leave and pretty pissed I had disappeared with some strange asshole. I became defensive of this stranger and told them to all fuck off and stop worrying about me like their kid.
At some point after our elementary blow up, I found myself in a back bedroom with my getaway driver. We sat cross legged on the floor passing my reward of Jose' back and forth. After what felt like an eternity, I began to pass out. In and out of concience I crept, heaving the Cuervo back up faster than it went down, choking and gagging on a dick. I had never done anything more than make out and fiddle with first base and suddenly this stranger had his dick in my mouth. I bobbed back into oblivion, crying at what I knew was inevitable, blacked out I was a freebie for the guy who stuck around long enough to wait for me to pass out. I felt the jeering of my body against his while I burned in pain, throwing up on every thrust. I felt the blood trickle down my legs, burning and aching and blacking out again.
I woke up the next day on the front lawn of some strangers house, alone, in a strangers pants and my own too tight top. I burned in pain and ached from my head to my feet. I had dried vomit in my hair and blood all over my face from an assuming punch I had taken the night before. Written on my hand was, "you took it like a whore" in permanent marker. I cried and panicked and begged God it was not true, my half assed memories and my painful swagger. I knew it was real, the taste in my mouth, the pain in my crotch, the lawn, the pants that were not mine. I woke on that lawn a different person and it was not for the better.
I spent the next eight years reliving that night with every man I could get hard. I was hell bent and determined to sleep with every man I wanted, on my terms, because you can not rape the willing. I would abuse myself on my terms and I took full advantage of the opportunity.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)